Routines can make adopted children feel safe. If your child is autistic too, that can add another layer to your routines, and making sure that they are given time to prepare for any changes. Through trial and error in our first few weeks of Moose being home, we have found a couple of techniques that really help him out.
There is a tendency to dig deep into the meaning of behaviour sometimes, for me, it comes from a place of wanting to understand everything and a want to ease any distress that the child experiences. I do this at work too, I try and understand how others feel, or why they may be behaving in a certain way. However, what I have to keep reminding myself is that Moose is a four-year-old, and some behaviours may be down to his additional needs, or what he has been through - but sometimes, it's because he is a four-year-old. Depending on the outcome of that thought and where the behaviour derives from, changes the way the behaviour is managed. I make that sound easy, it is far from it!
The reason I say this is, change can be a challenge for any child, and routines can add security for every child. A routine can be a weekly routine, daily, or their 'getting dressed' routine. We find that Moose copes really well with change, whether a change in activity or what was planned, as long as there is some form of warning to him. Change is scary, even as an adult change can be daunting.
I remember dreading the first bath night after Moose moved in (we avoided it for a couple of days)! I sat with him before dinner and he asked me to draw swings because that day we had been to the park. Then the trampoline as we had been on the trampoline that day. It suddenly dawned on me he wanted me to draw his day. So I then drew what was coming up next. We drew his evening routine.
"First we are going to have dinner, then we are going to all watch TV together. After that, we will go upstairs and try for the toilet."
I then went through it with him, pointing to each picture and letting him finish the sentences;
Me: "First we will eat..."
Moose: "Dinner!"
Me: "Then we are all going to..."
Moose: "Watch telly!"
and so on.
He loved it, we stuck it opposite the table whilst we ate, and as we finished each pre-bed activity he went and checked his chart to see what was happening next. This dinner-to-bed routine has stuck, we drew it each night probably for the next two weeks, and then it kind of phased itself out. But it is a tool firmly in our tool kit for when we need it. If we have a new routine to establish, like the morning before pre-school when we are on a deadline, we draw it out, or if he is struggling during the day, we may draw the evening routine again. Bringing this back on a hard day reminds him of the security of his routine that will be there that evening.
This has expanded to a weekly calendar. We have a little picture of Moose, on a chart on the wall. Each day we move his face to the new day, and he can see what is coming up. We only put events on here, such as when Nanny and Pop visit, they have a picture on the wall, or if we are going to preschool. So when he is unsure he can go to the wall and see what he has on that day.
It has also allowed us to start giving the concept of time. "We will see the horses in two days' time" Two days' time...what does that mean to him?! Now he can see we are on Monday, and we have Tuesday in between and we can see the horses on Wednesday. It lets him prepare for everything.
He also really enjoyed sitting with me at my computer as we chose the colours for each day, we find if he is part of something or creates it, he engages more with it.
We decide how much notice he gets with events, if we know something will be beyond exciting we may not add that until a day or two before. If it's a big event that will need lots of preparation by us, we add it up to a week before. This chart was an idea from our social worker, we love it - he loves it. Also if we have to change a day or change the order of events, we can do this with him. If he doesn't understand our words, he can see in picture form, what the change is.
Egg timers - these are my new friend! You can do that for another two minutes, then we will go to the toilet *flips egg timer over*. Clear visuals, it can't be argued (well, it can be, but there is a clear winner). And again for a child who has no concept of time, it teaches this and gives a clear visual representation of how long is left.
A colour block clock - where it is really obvious where the hand is, we have found that useful. Sometimes if we say, we will go for a walk, everything gets tidied away, we rush around getting shoes on and he is ready before I have got in the shower! So being able to go, "when the blue hand gets to the 5" has been super useful.
I have always liked to plan, but it is hard to plan at home to this level. As I type, he knows tomorrow we are going to Tesco, we planned that on Monday. But tonight we have worked out that it's going to be easier if I do this when Moose is at preschool, however, he thinks he's going shopping. We then have to work out if I do the shop, then we go back with him for just one or two things. On a good day, Moose wouldn't mind at all, but he loves going out in the car, (although doesn't seem to enjoy Tesco he does ask to go), so on a wobbly day, that trip being cancelled is a battle we might just not need!
When Moose moved in with us he had certain routines from his Foster Carers, we kept as many of these as we possibly could, to begin with, some are still in place now, especially bedtime routines. Other routines had to go on day one as they didn't physically work in our house or they didn't fit in our lifestyles. Others we have tweaked and morphed along the way.
Way back in the process, I was more worried about wanting it to be all our routines and I suppose what we had pictured for our future days. As we started to meet Moose and spend more time with him, all of this left - everything became about him, and that is the way I wanted it to be.
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