Choice is a wonderful thing, it shows trust in someone, and it lets them feel somewhat in control. It saves you barking orders, but instead makes it a conversation. It is open rather than closed. It can be gentle and soft. It encourages problem-solving and creativity. Choice has so much power.
My discovery of the power of giving children a choice stems from Moose's hatred for the word "No". Well his hatred for hearing it, it is one of his favourites to use! He does respond better to a "No, thank you" and why wouldn't he? We ask him to say that as it is much politer. "Thank you for stopping what you are doing", "thank you for stopping shouting at me"!
I remember when Moose visited our house during transitions, I got two packets of biscuits, and I thought "I will let him pick what he fancies", I am sure we all remember that happening to us as a child - when you are torn between chocolate or ice cream. What a dream situation! Now, what I got wrong here was I offered him the packet. So when he picked the chocolate digestives (great choice), he took the entire packet from me and headed to the table! We have now refined that and would show one biscuit, or say "You can have 1 biscuit, which kind would you like?"
He responds really well to options. Any more than two options would be too much, and I remember this from working with younger age groups too. So we keep it to just two. It can be a this or that, it can be a now or later, a before or after. Note - The one thing we don't mess with is his routine. We wouldn't let him get dressed before he brushes his teeth for example - that is too much change to a solid routine that he needs and thrives on.
When we let him choose an activity it also shows we respect him too. "Moose, I would love to spend some time with you, should we put music on and dance, or should we read a book". Always followed with a "great choice!". We want to spend time with him and do what he loves too. I remember a grown-up wanting to play with me and play a game of my choosing, it was so exciting. For our little ones who may not have had someone spend time with them, this can be really overwhelming for them to begin with. Take it back a step, choose the activity but they could choose what song, or what book, or what colour of pen.
Another really popular one we use is "I am here when you are ready". At the Zoo on last week, another parent said in shock "Does that work?! I need to try that!" - Moose can be really reluctant to hold a hand when you ask for it. I suppose out of nowhere a large hand is being thrust towards you with a strict order of "HOLD THIS" - he doesn't know where you might be dragging him, what if he can't trust you to keep him safe if he relinquishes his freedom?
So we prepare, "At the end of the path we will need to hold hands to keep safe" - the prep time, the instruction, the reason. But even sometimes that is not enough, and we are met with head down, clasped hands under his chin. Then we stand close, (to keep us safe if we are near a road or a danger) with our hand out, where he can see it and say "We need to hold hands, to keep us safe, so I am here, and when you are ready, we can hold hands and cross the road". I like to say we can hold hands, I am not holding him, it's a joint effort - I suppose it teaches the beginnings of consent too. Now he is used to this phrasing it usually takes seconds before he holds your hand, and to be honest he often seeks out our hand first.
In times of dysregulation, we use choice too. "What do you need?" I mean when you are angry and upset beyond belief, you don't know what you need! So how can a child? I offer two options, only ever two. If neither are wanted I wait a minute and try again. My go-to's are "Would you like a cuddle or some space", "Would you like a snack or a drink", or "Would you like to go to your sensory room or read a book". Sometimes none of these work, and I step in and do something he usually enjoys. But sometimes I feel it lets him take control of a situation where he must feel so out of control. Has he said yes to a snack and not eaten it, absolutely - but he has been able to make a choice to regain some regulation and control.
Allowing them to choose what they do is also a huge step in growing up. As an adult we get to choose what we do, we have to construct the right choices for our child, whether that is "milk or water" I wouldn't personally suggest "Diet Coke" as a basic example. But that tailored choice allows them to take a step and decide what they want. Since Moose has moved in he has started to develop favourites too, (colours, animals etc.) and I think that is partly down to him getting to choose, within our boundaries.
There are times when the choice teaches responsibility for actions too. We spent weeks establishing positive choices. Biscuits or cake, toys or music, tv or books etc. we got that concept solid. Now we develop that further. "We have two options, drink all our water, then play, then ready for bed. But if you do not drink it all in time, it would be water, then straight to bed" - we draw these two options for Moose (I talk about this here) and then he is slowly working towards understanding this if he takes ages and messes around there is not time for the fun bit!
It has also been used with "It is better that you don't bend that or it will break. It is your toy, so you can do that, but we aren't able to get a new one". That is a tricky concept, and again takes work, but rather than a "Don't do that" instruction which is usually fought with a meltdown or persistence to do it, it explains what might happen if he chooses to keep doing it.
A lot of this is a slower pace of life, and slower than I am used to. He needs processing time. Moose's default answer is "No". No ends a conversation, it stops the expectation on him, it removes further pressure to engage. That is why we started removing the possibility of a no answer with this or that options instead. Use visual aids to help with the choice, use drawings - whatever works. But we value choice SO much in our house, we use it wherever we can.
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