My Must-Haves (for when your adopted child moves in)

Can you ever be fully prepared for a child to join your family? No. That is my short answer! There are definitely differences again when the child is adopted. For us, we welcomed a nearly 5-year-old little boy into our lives, pretty much overnight (in the grand scheme of things!)

When adopting a child who has been with a foster carer, the aim is to make the transition to them being yours as seamless as possible for them. There are countless meetings, reams of paperwork and constant reviews, that hopefully - the child is none the wiser of. I think we changed our 'transition plans' about four times in different meetings due to unexpected events and situations.

Here are my top five must-haves for when our adopted child moved in. Please remember these worked for us, they may not work for others.

1. Photos

Pete, my husband, had read in a book to put pictures of the foster carers in the house. It is important to keep them alive and for the child to know they still care for them and love them. We actually didn't do this. Moose had been with his foster carers for a long time and was extremely attached. They both did an incredible job of allowing him to accept us. (They are literally wonderful people!). Moose talks of them a lot, and we draw pictures of them and reassure him they are ok and what they are doing. Even now we are in daily communication with them on WhatsApp. However Moose focuses on pictures a lot, so we decided no pictures of them for now as we think this might become obsessive, and not allow him to process not seeing them every day. We are finding other ways to help him grieve the loss of his foster carers.

When Moose first visited the house, (after being told we would be his two daddies) we put a photo of him on the mantle piece. He was absolutely thrilled to see it when he arrived. Shouting his name and pointing. We told him that was there as he belongs here with us. At the other end of the mantle, there is a picture of Pete and I.

'Daddy Ross & Daddy Peter'

Then, when Moose moved in we put a photo of the three of us in the living room. Again when he noticed this he was so excited. Even now, when he needs to process and think, he will run to it. "Daddy Ross, Daddy Peter and Moose. Moose's new family. Moose's two daddies, Moose's family forever" is the little mantra he repeats. He is fascinating to watch as he process and pictures help him so much. I think it helps ground him and understand that we are here for him, forever.

We also put two photos in his room. One of the three of us, in this house, and one of him in the garden blowing bubbles from a day he visited. Again this was to help with his sense of belonging in this house. We had these up for the day he moved in. We told his foster carer, and when she went to unpack with him she pointed these out. At that point, she almost handed the baton over, allowing him to unpack the last few bits into his wardrobe.

Even now we see him lying in bed looking at the pictures, saying his little mantra or "Moose in the garden with the bubbles, Moose's home".

Anyone who knows me, knows I love a picture, I always have to take pictures, we have photos everywhere - and I love that Moose loves these too - we will be sure to keep adding photos of days out and the brilliant experiences we have had.

2. Washing powder & cleaning products

We must have read this one somewhere, or been recommended to do it at some stage. Now the honest thought is, we don't know if this has benefited us, but if we hadn't done it, we may have noticed it the other way. About a week before Moose came home, we changed over to the same Laundry products that our foster carer used. We also started using the same cleaning products that she used. This has a really distinctive smell.

The odd part I have found is, all of a sudden our home started smelling like someone else's house, it started smelling like our Foster Carers house, and by this point we were spending as much time there and in hotels than in our own home, maybe more to be honest. I found this really disorientating. I didn't realise the power of my senses so much, coming home didn't quite feel like coming home. It smelled clean, which is ideal, but not like our clean home. I'm nearly over it, after about a month, but sometimes I kind of long for the smell of my house! But for Moose, there must be something reassuring about going to sleep, smelling like the house you have lived in for a considerable time. I suppose in the way it unsettles me, it settles him. In our room, we use the same reed diffusers, fabric sprays etc that we have always used. I also have stupidly sensitive skin so if we are washing only our clothes we do that in our powder.

We were also recommended to sleep with a teddy in our bed for a few weeks before gifting this to Moose so he could learn our smell. The toy we bought him was a Moose from Build-A-Bear, hence why on social media we call him Moose.

I would recommend asking your foster carer what products they used. We had literally the best foster carers, who I think will remain lifelong friends. They bought us a huge bag of bits and pieces Moose loved. Snacks, laundry powder, cleaning products etc.

3. Dinners in the freezer (and a list of food)

It is so simple but there are nights when you don't want to cook or don't have time after your day out gets extended by meltdowns, or you've forgotten to take the mince out of the freezer for the bolognese! I am so lucky, Pete always cooks. Before transitions, Pete made a lasagne and a cottage pie, and these combined with the 'emergency nuggets and chips' we had, have been life savers on certain days. Also, Pete's colleagues bought him a cookfood.net voucher. Those meals have been lovely, and are ideal at the end of a long day, there's no prep, and minimal cooking and washing up.

4. 'The' WhatsApp group

Our first social worker recommended this and it was such a good idea! Make a WhatsApp group of your main supporters. Mums, Dads, (grandparents to be!), close friends etc. From each of our friend and family groups, we tried to put a spokesperson in, so they could feed back to the others! So it didn't have 50 people! I think ours had 15 people or so. The idea was for bulletins, rather than conversations. It also stayed closed with the rule no messages or images were shared outside the group.

We used this mainly during transitions, after a crap day, as we sat in a dodgy hotel - so we didn't have 15 people messaging us going "How was today?" we could do a short bulletin to the group, and people could react to it or send a quick message but knew they might not get a reply.

We tried to send a picture each day for everyone, and just an update on what had happened. Our transition period was a bit wild so they were very mixed updates, some great, some really not great. It saves you when you are mentally exhausted from having multiple conversations about something you want to lie in bed and cry about!

For anyone new to adoption, transitions (or introductions) is a period of time (usually one to three weeks) where you begin taking over the care of the child in the foster carer's home, spending more and more time with them, they then move in and do this in reverse as the foster carer eases out. Transitions should be unique to each child, should be fluid and change depending on the needs of the child. I'll blog about them another time. Every Local Authority and Agency does these differently I think.

5. Lists - so many lists

My top three lists would be familiar media, meals and foster carer family.

We made sure to note down familiar media. Moose has a really set evening routine with some meditative videos and music. These are really specific so we noted them. Also what songs he loves to listen to and what tv shows he enjoys. Again replicating this at our house just means the transition for him is smooth. Even now we are only beginning to tweak routines after 3 weeks of him being here. Some things we will not touch for a long time.

Meal Lists - especially if you have a picky eater. We haven't strayed from this list at all. We have about 10 dinners that we stick to and rotate. We vary them slightly and add our spin, there's always a carrot on the plate even if it won't get touched! Sometimes we have a different meal from Moose and encourage him to try it. Again food for most adopted children is a comfort or a trigger, or both! So keeping that the same is important, and get recipes for their favourite meals. If all else fails we know Moose will eat some pasta with mayo, tuna and sweetcorn. Always have your back up in the cupboard especially if you are trying something new! (See emergency nuggets and chips mentioned above! Thank god for air fryers!)

Lastly, the foster carers extended families. Moose recites names, it's a comfort for him, and it regulates him. Every now and again you get a rouge name you have never heard of! Turns out it's your foster carer's best friend's son who once gave your child a pack of pom bears! Or when Moose kept calling our social worker nanny, then realised the foster carers mother-in-law, so nanny to her children, had the same name! When he throws up a name we haven't heard, we check the list and reassure him we know who he is talking about.

Oh and a to-do list, it will be never-ending, but transitions fry your brain.

Bonus. My Mum

The extra to my top 5 things! My mum, where the hell would I be without her? There were nights I nearly cried into my premier inn pillow, but a quick five minutes on the phone solved it all. She has also been there to reassure me since Moose moved in that every parent biological or adoptive has really rubbish days where nothing goes right. But the pure moments of gold make up for that. I am really lucky that I am adopting with my incredible husband, but sometimes I needed words from outside of our hotel room.

You obviously can't have my mum but just make sure you have your person, your mum, your colleague, your friend - whoever that is. And it might not be a best friend, it might be the one who has kids or the one who doesn't! Just have that one who is there day or night, who reaches out but doesn't mind if you don't reply, who listens when they need to listen and tells you to shut up and get on with it when you need it! I am extremely lucky to have a few of those people in my life. An unexpected 45-minute phone call the other night with one of my best friends got me right back out of the funk I was having. To my support network - I love you all.

Mum & I on my wedding day