When Moose moved in I felt pressure to keep up interactions with him 100% of the time, and when we left him to play and explore on his own I felt massive amounts of guilt, as if I was doing him a disservice. Now we try to make sure he has time for solo play and remember that not every day needs an 'event' to be a success.
When we were approved at our matching panel we almost instantly started 'play dates' with Moose. We drove to his house every weekend, which was a few hours away, and just spent time playing and interacting. This let him get to know us, learn to trust us, and enjoy being around us in a safe, low-stakes environment for him. I will never forget the first drive there when I said "What if he doesn't like us?!" - after all, we picked him, he has to trust social workers to pick us.
The six weekends of 'play dates' were extremely positive for all of us. We spent between one and four hours with him each time. This meant that our relationship was built around play and fun, the rules were then easier to implement because he already knew us and trusted that we would keep him safe. Moose is turning 5 soon, I think play dates depend on the age of the child. For us, the play dates helped build an incredibly strong relationship. During these six weeks we didn't do much caring for Moose, such as feeding him or toilet trips, we left these elements to his foster carers.
Our transition plan changed a lot, so we didn't spend full days with Moose at any point until he moved in, as these didn't work for him (we did try!). So, overnight, we had a 4-year-old move in with us - and I remember on day two I was like "Now what do we do with him!".
When he moved in I felt this pressure to keep the full-time interaction up that we had in short bursts in our play dates. Making sure we were always engaging him in some way, always playing with him, reading a story or giving him attention. I also had it in my head we needed something to do every day, maybe going to the park, doing the shopping or going to the zoo - some form of impressive activity.
It then dawned on me that there was no chill time for Moose, when was his time to relax? And slowly but surely we started to encourage solo playtime. Our social worker also made a really valid point, the activity for the day to work towards could just be going outside, or playing a favourite game. He needs to spend time at home, to become more comfortable and know that this is now his home.
I felt guilty not playing with him. I remember one day, in week two maybe, he was sitting with a book flicking through the pages as I sat in another room watching. We are so lucky to have him - I wanted to rush in and read him the book. But then I realised, maybe he also wants time alone. He knows he can bring us the book whenever he wants. And also, I know that I need 5 minutes of downtime every now and again.
Currently, I am writing this blog as Moose is playing his xylophone...(we love musical instruments...) and Pete is reading a book. Now and again Moose comes over and checks in with us, just saying hello, maybe for a cuddle, or he pretends to read what I am writing!
There are 100% days where I feel I could have done more with him, there are 100% days where I think he wishes I would leave him alone! We have wanted a child for so long, and now he is here, it is really hard to encourage him to be alone. It's also hard to remember to take time for yourself. I have watched him work things out when he is playing alone. If I was playing with him I would probably have shown him what to do. His little brain can work even harder when we aren't there teaching him what to do.
Do I feel guilty going out for a coffee with a friend? Yes. Do I think it is invaluable to all three of us? Yes.
I have worried that when I am out, can I support Pete if he needs it. Or what if Moose forgets about me...I know that's ridiculous but I have been there with that thought. We do have to remember he hasn't known us long, and we are working on making sure he knows this is his forever family. But we are often told that every new person who enters his life, he may think that they will be his new parents one day. We were initially introduced as friends.
Moose has bonded so well with both of us (I know this is early days) - and I will go back to work first so we do need to know that Moose is happy and used to me leaving and coming back.
My advice is to give yourself a break! You need it, whether you think you do or not. Both Pete and I have almost forced each other to take breaks at times.
When Moose plays now we make sure that sometimes he leads the play, sometimes we lead the play. So that he can follow our structure and rules but also create his own. I fell into a trap during play dates of wanting to prove myself to him, that we are the best parents for him. You don't need to do that. If you show him love and warmth and safety, he will grow to love you too. The social workers continuously do work too to help him understand his life story and the roles we all play. One of his workers is also doing lots of family bonding activities with us.
What moose looks for most from us, is reassurance, which he can always get from us, whenever he needs it. Check-ins are frequent, our first social worker always imitated this to us by repeating "Daddy, daddy, daddy" over and over ... it is actually like that! He needs so much security from us because his life has been unstable. But when he has played alone and brings us the tower he has built, the joy on his face when we tell him how awesome he is or how proud of him we are is beautiful. He proudly showed off the paintings he made with me the other day when Pete came back, we really encourage positivity through trying, mistakes and success.
It is that happy balance we are trying to find, every child is so different, and no two are the same. Every child's balance of what they need and don't need will be different. Some days Moose needs us to play, hold him and cuddle him all day long. Some days he actively chooses to head off and play alone.
There is a pressure that comes from being 'watched' by social workers. We are really lucky and the two that are most involved just give us so much support. We have been through such a process to get Moose there is pressure to do right by him. When I managed to get out from under that pressure and just look at what we are doing, I am like "We are doing okay!" I don't need to do amazing parenting all the time, I think I have moments of it. But he just needs love, security and stability. And we offer that in bucket loads.
We have always been child-led, we work in education and I think we are pretty good at it, and my decisions have always been from the point of the child - that's why we are there. Originally when we started adoption it was because I wanted to be a parent, but now it's specifically focused on Moose, I want him to have the best life we can give him. Adding pressure to that doesn't help, we just have to do what we know we can do.
Adoption - the pressure of giving 100%
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